I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
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I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
HERE’S MARKY
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…