DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
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McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
I love it all
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”