hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
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The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
Overindulged this afternoon.
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
There are usually two types of merchants.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle