Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
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in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
constantly working on myself.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.