[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
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*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
This took me a second..
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.