I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
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I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Are we there yet?…
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
Wait a minute
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk