Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
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Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
Me, in DM rooms…
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
philosophical skeletons be like
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about