Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
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Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure