Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
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Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.