Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
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#SaturdayBears
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”