Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
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her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
*frowns in Scottish*
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again