ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
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[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
New comic up. “Ransom”
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw