Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
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“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.