Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
You Might Also Like
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
October already? What’s next? November????
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
i think both sides are to blame here
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
the composer
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid