Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
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Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…