Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
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In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute