A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
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On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
How about daylight saves us for once
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard