one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
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So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.