“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
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Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
everyone’s a critic
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.