2022 be like
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Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
for all #parents out there
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.