911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
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Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same