Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
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Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!