me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
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me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.