Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
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Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up