Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
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Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
Sniffing the broccoli
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts