So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
You Might Also Like
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
wtf is a larm clock?
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me