My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
You Might Also Like
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
this came to me in a vision
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”