The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
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As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
Mornin. * use accordingly
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.