Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
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Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it