Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
You Might Also Like
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
Dead sexy!!
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
Just so funny
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.