This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
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Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
Otters see a butterfly.
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea