Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
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*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
Breaking news:
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.