if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
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doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Okay me first
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU