A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
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6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.