OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
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I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable