[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
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It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.