To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
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Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet