gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
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I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs