Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
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At least he brought enough for everyone
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]