Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
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how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede