Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
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[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.