Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
You Might Also Like
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.