“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
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Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
lmao
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!