Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
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[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
Human are so complicated
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*