I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
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Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
This is so me 😂😂
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.