Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
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I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.