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[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
Beauty and the Beast
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”