Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
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🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
Wait a minute
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh