girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
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Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
fourth time’s the charm
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.