[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
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Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
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